Low or no desire is the most sexual concern experienced by women. One US-based study reported that between 26.7% to 52.4% of women experience low sexual desire. Often it is when they feel that can’t fulfill their partner’s need for sex, and the guilt that is followed, is when women reach out for help. Within a relationship, where one person feels their levels of desire (or libido) is mismatched from their partner’s levels, this is what we call a desire discrepancy.

When I speak with the partner on how this affects them, they most often say, “I feel rejected,”, “I feel lonely,”, “I feel confused because I can’t tell when my partner is in the mood” or “I’ve given up approaching and rely on her to approach me first.”

The guilt that is experienced by her can feel deep and profound. She often shares that while she wants to show affection and express connection, at the same she feels that reaching out would be interpreted as a bid for a sex and would rather not go there, than disappointing her partner. Thus, she either prevents herself from intimacy and withdraws or she gives into sex and endures the negative consequences such as physical pain and discomfort, and negative associations of intimate-partnered sex such as dread and resentment.

Let’s not forget that the partner also shoulder’s the knowledge and the feelings of guilt that their low desire partner isn’t into sex. When they do eventually have sex, there’s an unspoken plethora of feelings and thoughts that leads to “I can’t wait until we get this over with.”

What ends up happening within this couple’s configuration is a cycle of unfulfillment and disconnection. Over months, and sometimes years, the emotional toll and the compounding effects on the individuals and relationship itself can make it even more difficult to recover. It’s not surprising when individuals share that their mental health has also been affected with spillage into other aspects of life.

It would be inaccurate to oversimply low desire to one single cause. While it’s natural and normal for sexual desire to ebb and flow throughout a woman’s life, the causes vary and are multi-factoral including pregnancy, medication, injury, chronic illness, menopause, and relationship longevity.

Stress from disproportionate domestic responsibilities can also be a major factor in women’s low desire. More than ever, women are expected to contribute financially to the household on top of the pressures to take care of the emotional wellbeing of the family (often stepping up without being asked), to think ahead to ensure the family’s needs are being met, and to perform menial duties such as answering emails, food prep, laundry, closing kitchen cabinet doors, wiping crumbs off the table, putting the cap back on the toothpaste, and washing the dog bowl. Self-care and mental recovery are often taken in bitesize pieces that’s no where near adequate. Social media, television or other forms to allow the mind to rest can become misinterpreted as partner rejection.

Added to homelife expectations are the societal pressures for her to look a certain way, act a certain way, be cognizant about health, be a certain body size, reduce weight, be available to extended family, be available when needed and be available for sex. And while all this is being shouldered, there’s an expectation for her to know what she likes about herself sexually, to communicate her wants with accuracy and to surrender her body to passion and sexual excitement.

By the way, this post is not intended to be a cultural study on gender or gender-role expectations but a hope to build awareness, understanding, compassion and empathy to the experiences that women shoulder and how these cumulative experiences can affect sexual desire for her and within a relationship.

Despite that her desire may be dampened due to medication or physical issues, what can accelerate or slow down her desire is often responsive rather than spontaneous. What has worked well for her in the past may not be her reality today. When we assess the root causes of her low desire, her physical health, emotional and psychological wellbeing and relationship quality are all given due consideration. With honest and upfront communication, when changes in lifestyle are adapted, when sexual pressure and ultimatums are removed, and when ways to enhance the quality of the emotional and sexual relationship are incorporated (including processing unresolved conflict), her desire has a much better chance of returning. In some cases, levels of desire can even sore with the quality of sex reportedly better than ever before.

References:

Brotto, L.A. (2017). Evidence-based treatments for low Sexual desire in women. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology. 45:11-17.

West, S.L., D’Aloisio, A.A., Agans, R.P., Kalsbeek, W.D., Borisov, N.N., and Thorp, J.M. (2008). Prevalence of low sexual desire and hypoactive sexual desire disorder in a nationally representative sample of US women. Arch Intern Med. 2008 Jul 14;168(13):1441-9.