I just completed a global summit series on the impact of COVID-19 on intimate relationships. While some countries and regions are slowly shifting to return to what’s now called “the new normal”, my colleagues and I have been busy helping couples and relationships adjust to uncertainty and unforeseen change. While the pandemic has had dire consequences on businesses, income and our ability to socialize, it has also affected how we DO intimate relationships.

Prior to the COVID pandemic, many relationships lived a specific day-to-day pattern that included waking up, going to work, coming home, and spending time with your partner both socially and romantically. For many, this norm has shifted radically. Relationships in our COVID reality are acutely balancing the stressors of work (or shift to not working), paying the bills, stressors that go along with raising children, sharing the same physical space, and somehow maintaining a semblance of independence within a relationship.

A balance of independence and connection is vital to the health and sustainability of an intimate relationship. If you’re experiencing loss of independence, you’re certainly not alone. If this pattern continues, the risk is losing your sense of identity which will inevitably affect your relationship, but more importantly, it will affect your mental health and wellness.

So how can an individual continue to nurture their independence when social opportunities have dwindled and relationships are constantly sharing a physical space? Here are 5 ways to do just that.

1. Maintain a routine schedule

If you’re working from home, maintain a routine schedule by wearing your work clothes (or something other than your pajamas or home clothes), grooming, and taking regular breaks. Your regular breaks are to be your own. Much like as if you’re at the office, do what you typically do. For some, it’s checking in with family. For others, it’s going on social media or grabbing a snack.

Once your workday is over, replicate what you would do as if you were coming home from work. This can mean taking a breather as you transition out of work-mind, greeting your partner with a hug and kiss, changing into different clothes, being physically active, etc.

It’s understandable if your responsibilities at home have shifted due to home schooling or co-parenting, or if your partner has lost their job. If this is the case, do your best to maintain some kind of work routine and while working try not to merge your work identity with your social identity.

2. Divide your home into purposeful spaces

Some people are literally sharing a room to work, live and play. If this is the case, it’s time to be creative. For some people that can mean designating a corner of the room that is exclusively for work purposes or re-purposing the main or extra bedroom. Dr. Catherine Dukes (www.drcatherinedukes.com) shared with me that one of her clients literally took masking tape to divide the dining room table into segments (“My space, your space.”). It’s okay to be a bit protective of these spaces. While it may seem odd at first, the brain will know the difference.

3. Have an “un-date”

Dr. Anne Mauro (www.annemauro.com) shared with me the concept of the “un-date” as a way of maintaining independence. An un-date in the context of sharing space is when one person goes into a separate space and has the freedom to do whatever they want. For example, rather than having supper together, one partner would go into the bedroom and eat there instead. Another example is when one partner plans a spa-date at home and they retreat into the basement exclusively for themselves. I often suggest one partner retreating into the garage or backyard for some independent time. Of course, the un-date is a great opportunity to have a sex-date with yourself.

The practice of the un-date this is going to take some negotiation and communication. It’s important to share that the intention is to not avoid, but to honor each other’s need to do something for themselves. Yes, that may mean that your partner may need to child-mind on their own so taking turns or negotiating what’s equitable is important.

4. Allow yourself timeouts

Yes, you can have a time out when you’re in need of a breather. Some people have shared with me their feelings of guilt for taking a time out. Consider the fact that globally we are experiencing an extraordinary time that has added stress, grief and loss. Our global experience means that we are faced with change that is beyond our control and circumstances. A time out, even if it’s only 10 – 15 minutes is not only reasonable, it’s an expression of self-compassion that is going help release some of the stress and emotional burden of all that’s happening to you, your relationship and the world. My last sentence was not meant to be dramatic. It’s a lived reality that is important to your health and the health of your relationship.

Oh and, time outs literally mean to have a time out. A time out is meant to be your own, to do what you want and without interruptions.  By the way, self-pleasuring/masturbation during a time-out increases the neurotransmitter Oxycontin which is necessary to feel connected with a partner.

5. Do the things that matter to you

At times we forget that we have our own interests and hobbies. Nurturing our connection with ourselves is just as important with nurturing our partner connections. My clients have noticed  that they’re doing less of the things that mattered to them prior to the pandemic. This includes things like exercise, eating well, or playing an instrument and instead more couch and social media time.

The practice of compassion is not forgetting to do the things that bring us joy and vitality. The practice of joy and vitality is what nurtures our core and spirit. Take stock in the things that you love to do and allow yourself, when you can, opportunities to make space for it. If doing the things that matter to you bring you happiness, this happiness is going to cascade into your relationship and increase your connection.

Want to learn new ways to increase the connection between you and your partner? Stay tuned for part 2 of Balancing Independence and Connection where my colleagues Dr. Anne Mauro, Dr. Catherine Dukes and I are developing a FREE document on 50 ways to Increase Connection. Sign up here to receive the document once released.