Whether the break up is with a longer-term beloved or with a shorter term intimate sexual partner, the emotional impact of a breakup is not any different for these relationships.

It can be soul-destabilizing and can feel heart-sinking. The mind may be on a replay loop with the never ending ‘why’ questions. For those enduing a break up, it’s common to wonder whether you could’ve done something different or reflect on why you chose to ignore your own inner compass that was waving the red flags. You may ask yourself, “Why didn’t I just leave the moment my boundary was first crossed,” or you may even self-criticize and say, “If only I should have…”.

When I was reviewing one of Esther Perel’s Youtube videos she said something that sums of what I say to my own clients who are enduring an intimate partner breakup, “While the relationship may be over, YOU are not over.”

• You will love again, and you will be loved again.
• You will desire again, and you will be desired again.
• You will feel attraction again, and someone will be attracted to you again.
• You will feel inner value and be valued again.
• You will smile again.
• You will laugh again.
• You will experience carefreeness again.

The heart doesn’t stop feeling and wanting to attach. In the hurt and pain we may erect walls that protect us, but it’s important to realize that if we don’t move through our grief, the energy and the fluidity of desire can become closed off. You are deserving of receiving intimacy and love but it does require the flow of vulnerability to come forward within yourself.

It’s common that a breakup or what may lead up to a breakup, triggers unfinished and past business of the heart. That unfinished emotional business can go as far back as experiencing emotional abandon by our primary care givers, feeling isolated and marginalized in our youth, or even enduring bullying that was connected with part of our identity.

And…

It’s just as common that a breakup simply feels utterly shitty with no clear historic emotional pains and traumas of the past.

You may have googled articles on breakups and how to get over a breakup. But here are some approaches that may also be helpful.

1. Move through the grief

Moving through the grief means that you acknowledge and allow space to feel all the feelings. We need to move through the grief to get past the grief. Holding our feelings in or ignoring and denying they exist can leave them stuck in your internal system. Quite frankly, grief don’t simply dissolve over time. They just remain stuck, and become another “unfinished business” of the heart that will eventually get triggered.

Reaching out to your anchors like your closest friends, family, or therapist are helpful resources to support you moving through grief. Making space for self reflection and journaling can be helpful too.

2. Be mindful of your own behaviours

When we are faced with unfamiliar emotional pain, we may do things that are typically outside of our general behavior. If the breakup is due to an infidelity, we may obsess about who the other person is, or what your ex-partner is doing moment by moment. We may act impulsively or compulsively as if we’re on autopilot. For some, this can result in shame and guilt for doing something outside the norm.

If this is the case and the moment you notice or sense that you’re being impulsive or compulsive, gently acknowledge that this is an outcome of pain and then turn to gentle self-soothing. If you feel a bit out of control, give yourself a pause to allow the stress hormones to subside. The feeling of being out of control will pass. Turn to gentle observation of your thoughts and ask yourself if what you are thinking of doing aligns with your own moral and ethical compass. Instant gratification of behaving outside our internal compass is a set up for being stuck. Know that this moment will pass.

Connecting with nature by going or a walk, sun bathing, petting your dog or cat, or reaching out to an anchor to help talk you through your thoughts can help.

3. Self care, giving yourself a break and re-center

While I was enduring and mourning the heartache of loss, I literally sat in my most comfortable chair and self-reflected in complete silence. I literally had no energy to think and I welcomed and embraced my body to numb out. Eyes closed, I simply focused on my breathing until I was ready to get up and move along with my day.

Like a physical wound, the emotional wound needs tenderness and care. With an open wound, we need we need to ensure that we’re proactive so it doesn’t get infected and infect other parts of us. A warm bath, wearing something cozy, taking a day off, going for a massage, eating a nice meal, watching your favorite show or listening to podcasts can all be helpful.

4. Don’t self-punish

Self-punishment includes calling yourself stupid, foolish, being in disbelief that you were in the relationship in the first place, feeling embarrassed for the relationship, and feeling that no-one else will come along.

Stop this, and stop this self-punishment immediately.

While breakups happen, it doesn’t discount that there were genuine and authentic times. In pain, we can be quick to discount or question the authenticity of the relationship. Know that the mind in turmoil is simply trying to make sense of what has happened and is trying to search for reason, any reason, to get back to calm. Is there a place for our own accountability? Yes, there is. But there is a distinction between self-punishment and accountability. In accountability we express humility, remorse, and hold space for the person we’ve harmed. We realize what we made mistakes and commit to ourselves to do better. This is different than bullying yourself and putting yourself down, which is not helpful.

There is not one perfect way to grieve loss. Grief has its own time clock however that being said, as we feel the feels, the more we can soothe ourselves, the better position we’re in to move forward with our hearts.