I’ve worked with a number of relationships that have experienced an infidelity. Infidelities can happen in monogamous, non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships. They can be physical, emotional or a combination of both. They can happen early in a relationship, later in a relationship, throughout a relationship and when a relationship is experiencing closeness as well as strife.

How ever the infidelity is experienced, there are two components that exist within an infidelity: (1) secrecy, and (2) a transgression of “the agreement” within the relationship. For many relationships the agreement is an unspoken understanding of trust, and the reliance on the values that make up the very foundation of the relationship. For other relationships, it’s a disregard of clearly established sexual and emotional boundaries, rules and expectations.

When the agreement is broken, it can feel to the uninvolved/betrayed partner like an insurmountable pain. The aftermath for the betrayed partner can range including: emotional numbness, intrusive thoughts, difficulty concentrating, physical discomfort and pain, nightmares, emotional dysregulation and what researchers call “flashback phenomena” – emotional triggers that awaken the pain of the betrayal as if it just happened. These feelings are similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, thus an infidelity is treated as a trauma experienced by the uninvolved partner and a trauma to the relationship. This is not to say that the involved partner doesn’t experience pain and trauma themselves but for this article, the focus is on the uninvolved partner.

Can a relationship recover from an infidelity?

Some relationships dissolve while others recover. Relationships that are in recovery from an infidelity require the involved partner to demonstrate accountability and remorse, unwavering patience, understanding that triggers will happen for their partner, and the knowledge that trust is built over time. The process involves understanding why the behavior(s) happened. What undermines the process of recovery is a belief that the rebuilding of trust has a finite deadline, ie. “How long is this going to take?”, that a showing of remorse is a singular event, ie. “How many times do I need to apologize?”, and that the relationship does not undergo a re-calibration that (re)assesses multiple facets that make up the relationship, ie “Now that this happened, what does it mean for us as individuals, as a relationship and as a family?”.

How long will it take for me, for us, to recover?

Depending on a number of circumstances including: the emotional injury experienced and resilience factors of the uninvolved partner, the willingness of the partners to participate in the process of recovery, and the active participation that rebuild trust, researchers tend to agree that the process can take between 2 – 5 years. Nonetheless, I’ve worked with relationships and couples that have experienced a satisfactory level of stability and recovery in as little as a year. I’ve also worked with couples who have reported that their relationship has become a lot stronger emotionally, romantically and sexually since the infidelity.

Accountability and re-building trust

If you broke your relationship agreement, and you are deeply remorseful and are committed to working on re-building trust, then following your partner’s lead and transparency is where you start. That means your partner may have access to your phone, texts, computer, calendar, and may have a level of expectation for you to check in with them. Does that mean you give up your privacy? No. You have a right to be treated with dignity but the things in which create insecurity for your partner is fair game.

Expect that your partner may experience flashes or flashbacks of you with the other person(s), or flashes of the discovery be it texts, images, or physical items. Smells can also trigger as well as sounds or things that may be relatively benign, like a song played on the radio, or a scene in a movie or television show.  Whatever it may be, your responsibility is to be present for your partner and be present for their experience. Know that there will be repetitiveness of your partner’s questions that require your enduring reassurance. Like grief, we wouldn’t tell someone to stop talking about their experience of loss. We open and welcome space to hear the pain, to hear the losses, and to hear the impact. Over time, the time it takes to recover will narrow and the need to talk about it will lessen. One won’t know how long it will take, but with consistency, reassurance, and the actions and behaviors that build trust will not only aid in the relationship’s recovery, it will help the relationship thrive. Psychotherapist Terry Real, underscores that recovery from an infidelity requires 1) Accountability and 2) Compassionate Empathy. Compassionate empathy requires humbleness, being emotionally generous, being of service to the affected partner, and non-defensiveness.

Recovering from an infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean living under a roof of unhappiness, nor does it require relationships to seek out therapy (but it can help). There are several resources that are available for the relationship itself, for the uninvolved individual, and the involved individual. It does however require a process that includes re-building trust, reassurance and emotional labour. It also requires a look at the relationship itself that re-envisions the relationship’s potential.

It’s important to acknowledge that the healing process – healing of self, and healing of the relationship, can also mean a dissolvement of the relationship; that the infidelity is merely an indicator that the relationship has run its cycle. If this is the case, its only fair (and ethical) for this fact be known in which the process then enters into an uncoupling process so that all involved can make informed next-steps decisions.

Watch for an upcoming blog post that addresses those who cheat, why they cheat, and steps to end the cycle of betrayal.