There’s no Shame in Seeing a Sex Therapist
It’s safe to say that the majority of us have not lived in a home environment or culture that embraces sexuality in a positive way. Think back to the first time someone spoke to you about sexuality. If the conversation was about sex, it amounted to the following:
- How NOT to get pregnant
- How NOT to catch a sexually transmitted infection or HIV
- Do NOT sex or having sex until marriage
The unspoken conversation is:
- Men are masculine
- Women are feminine
- Don’t be anything but straight/heterosexual
In other words, sex and sexuality are associated with avoidance and fear.
The confusing part of these messages is that if we turn to media and capitalism, sex sells. Sex appeal and individual value are measured by the sum of what you own and how close you align with gender stereotypes. The consistent, persistent an insidious exposure to these messages especially during adolescent development years can have negative consequences on our self-worth and how we navigate romantic and intimate relationships.
“Raise your hand if you turned to your friends, porn and social media to learn about sex.”
I often ask this question at workshops and group settings knowing how predictable the answer is.
I point my finger to a culture, our culture, for not equipping us with the necessary tools and language to talk about human sexuality as a fundamental and healthy part of the human experience. This long-lasting legacy has been exploited by the pharmaceutical industry resulting in billions of shareholder dollars and get rich schemes by selling fake, unscientific solutions.
Here’s what’s also a legacy…
Because we are enveloped in a sex negative culture and we can’t talk about sex openly and vulnerably, reaching out to sex therapist or sexologist for guidance, solutions or treatment can be even more difficult. Here are some common things said the first time someone see’s me:
- “I don’t know what to expect.”
- “I’m a bit nervous.”
- “I don’t talk about this stuff. It’s hard to talk about it.”
- “I don’t feel I’m normal.”
- “I/we don’t know where to start.”
There’s no shame in seeing a sex therapist. Granted, often people have no idea what to expect. It’s worth acknowledging that for many, it takes tremendous courage and willpower to finally walk through my door, or click the Zoom link. And when we do, we the break the cycle and legacies of sex negativity and instead we learn the importance of taking care of our sexual health and embrace all of who we are. When you see sex therapist, our role is to offer a safe container for you to talk openly (including clumsily) about all things sex including our bodies, attractions, relationships, curiosities, and experiences. Where there is uncertainly, our role is to help you identify choices and options. Sometimes our role is to help with holding you accountable and to provide you with solid feedback.
And…
We also help with broadening your sexual skills.
Like a personal athletic trainer, we teach proper form and approaches will enhance your sensual and erotic experiences. Did you know that your ‘form’ can increase desire, speed or slow down orgasm and ejaculation, and can help curb distractions while having sex? Yup.
To end this entry, I invite you to consider the following:
- Discomfort to discuss sex is not your fault but the affect of a culture that disregards parts of the human experience; our human sexuality
- Our culture sets men up to fail especially when vulnerability (otherwise known as embracing the fully spectrum of the breadth and depth of feelings and emotions) is seen as a weakness thus cutting themselves off from voicing their experiences
- When we treat our partner’s sexuality as a replica of our own sexuality, we lose individuality and create unintentional obstacles to sexual collaboration based on differences and strengths
- One of the most courageous and powerful self-love things one can do for themselves, is to re-claim our sexual identity and make it our own
Psst… but the way, you can unpack and process any of these questions with… a sex therapist.
Can seeing a sex therapist for the first time feel uncomfortable? Yes. Does taking charge of your health, and in this case, your sexual health worth the discomfort? You’ll have to answer that for yourself but I encourage you to answer that question AFTER you see a sex therapist.
