When individuals share with me that they’re feeling unfulfilled, we being the process of exploring not necessarily the relationship itself, but who the client is in within the context of the relationship. In other words, “Who are you as an intimate and sexuality being, what your relationship history, and what are your relationship values and principles within the context of a romantic or intimate relationship.”

This is where clients get a bit stuck.

Within the nature of romantic and intimate relationships we may not always get what we want. When there’s an impasse how we make decisions is based on reasonable mutuality and at times, whatever that feels easier. I can’t blame anyone who prefers the road less taken. In our busy lifestyles, and especially for those who have kids, or are providing care for our families, adding more stress isn’t desirable. But is easier better? Is easier healthy? Does easier come at a cost such as putting your values and principles second?

When it comes to sex that cost can mean:

• Not voicing our wants and desires,
• Not allowing ourselves to say no,
• Not following our instincts to ask questions or express uncertainty,
• Not slowing down, and
• Sex then becomes a chore and not a fulfilling and joyful experience

Individuals have agency. What I mean by agency is the ability to know what one wants and the ability to exercise choice. Agency is also a privilege. In many circumstances, individuals can’t exercise choice because their lives focus on survival rather than living in vibrancy (including sexual vibrancy).

To build and nurture sexual agency, it’s important to first establish our own independent set of principles and values that frame our sexual identity.

In Doug Braun-Harvey and Michael Vigorito’s work with working with out-of-control sexual behaviour, they developed a set of six guiding principles that “construct a broad international set of minimum ground rules upon which each person can come to know their own specific individual vision of personal sexual health (Braun-Harvey, 2009)”. I often discuss these principles as a foundational tool to help get people started when thinking about the existential journey of answering: Who am I as a sexual and intimate person?

These six principles are:

1. Consent
2. Non-exploitive
3. Honest
4. Shared values
5. Protected from STI, HIV and unwanted pregnancy
6. Pleasure

I’ll explain of these in order.

1. Consent

Consent is a human right. It is our ability to enthusiastically say, yes. And it’s also the ability to say no, maybe, not now, later, or something else that speaks to our present experience. I go even further by sharing that consent starts with us as individuals. If we say can’t say no to ourselves, how can we then enthusiastically say yes to our partner(s)?

2. Non-exploitive

To be non-exploitive with a partner is to not take advantage of them for our own self-centered gain.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Am I being heard and understood by my partner when I express my feelings?
• Am I being considered by my partner?
• Is my partner making important and meaningful decisions for me without checking in with me?

Conversely:

• When I’m making decisions (in the bedroom), is it for my gain?
• Am I having sex with my partner without telling them what my motivations are?
• Am I pushing, pressuring or trying to get them to do something even though they stated otherwise? In other words, “maybe if I just keep going, they’ll change their mind” or “even though they stated their boundaries, I’ll just keep going until they say stop.”

3. Honest

Clear communication, grounds honesty. Many share with me that have a sense of what they’re feeling but feel they can’t be completely be honest because they’re unsure how articulate themselves in a way that is understood. Here is where people get stuck and often share these common statements:

• “I’m not sure how to say it.”
• I’m second guessing what I’m feeling or have experienced and now unsure if my feelings are wrong
• I don’t have the words to express myself at the moment

Honestly is also an internal dialogue. Am I being honest with myself with my wants and my needs? In the context of being honest with oneself and self-censoring your own voice, Louise Blanchard, Founder of Birch Wellness Centre once said to me, “Every time you say yes, you’re actually saying no to yourself.”

4. Shared Values

In romantic and intimate relationships do you and your partner share the same values and vision with what you want from a sexual encounter or intimate experience? Do they align enough?

5. Protected from STI, HIV and unwanted pregnancy

I invite people to think about this question for themselves. I need to break this apart into two pieces:

• STI and HIV: I encourage people to think about harm reduction or ways to prevent transmission without shaming someone who may have an sexually transmitted or blood borne infection. If someone has an STI, like herpes, gonorreah or chlamydia, it doesn’t at all make them a bad person or ‘dirty’.
• Unwanted pregnancy: You’ll hear me prefer to use language like unplanned vs. unwanted. But this principle is self-explanatory.

6. Pleasure

“Pleasure NOT pressure” is my moto. If we can reframe sex from goal-centered to pleasure-centred, we can solve many sexual dysfunctions, and relationship conflicts. Pleasure involves being attuned with your body along with being present with another person (and their body). Facilitating and experiencing pleasure need not be equal. Meaning, our experiences of pleasure is subjective and individual. What I like may not be what my partner(s) likes, and that’s okay. What does matter, is are they experiencing pleasure instead of focusing on the destination.

What do these principles have to do with whether I am sacrificing or compromising?

The more we sacrifice our own principles, the more we to loose our identity and individualism. What deeply matters to us becomes secondary which can lead to feeling emotionally and psychologically destabilized and fulfilled. We risk enabling unhealthy behaviors of our partner, and rely on our partner for their approval on the things that didn’t require approval before they were in our lives. Sacrifice in the bedroom begets more sacrifice outside the bedroom and vice versa.

Healthy compromise means that all parties are willing to listen and understand each other before coming to a decision of a shared goal. It involves acknowledging the difficulties and challenges for each person and at the end of the day, the decision is a mutual decision.

If you’re feeling uncertain whether you’re compromising or sacrificing in your romantic or intimate relationship, there are a lot of great resources available on the internet. Alternatively, I invite you to reach out for a consultation. Just click on the Appointments tab above. Sometimes we need an objective and professional ear to help sort out the pieces to help you make that determination.