The Throes of Limerence
From the song Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen
“She drives me crazy, she gives me hot and cold fever, then she leaves me in a cool cool sweat.”
Consider these three scenarios:
Scenario 1: “I can’t stop thinking about her. She occupies my mind and I get easily distracted at work and at home. I replay in my mind our sexual encounters and every time he messages me, I get butterflies and my stomach feels like it’s in my throat. When we see each other we feel mutually ecstatic. We’re enthusiastically discuss the future and the possibilities in sex, love, dreams, and goals.”
Scenario 2: “I can’t stop thinking about her. She occupies my mind and I get easily distracted at work and at home. I replay in my mind our sexual encounters and every time she messages me, I get butterflies and my stomach. Despite how I feel about her, she’s not attracted to me in that way that can build a future. Even though I keep thinking about her, I’m in mourning and know I need to let her go.”
Scenario 3: “I can’t stop thinking about them (non-binary gender identity). They occupy my mind and I get easily distracted at work and at home. I replay in my mind our sexual encounters and every time I receive a message, I get butterflies and my stomach. I’m uncertain if the feelings are mutual and questions are evaded when I try to get emotionally close. This drives me crazy. I’m reacting and doing things that are outside of myself. I feel lost in who I am and I don’t understand how I got to this point. I just know that I want to be with them and at the same time I feel stressed out about it.”
We may have experienced any one of the three scenarios or know of others who have. This period of infatuation and rumination with the other, is called limerence. Some people conflate this with the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Limerence is defined as “An involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.” This definition not only encompasses the romantic realm but also extends to the erotic and sexual realm.
On average, the period of limerence typically last between 2-3 years. This however isn’t always the case especially when there are significant changes or life transitions including a move, career change, moving in together, a significant conflict or fight, pregnancy, illness or injury, or starting school. This may not also be the case in non-heterosexual or non-conventional relationships.
In the first scenario, there is full reciprocity and mutuality. The period within this union is typically when there’s family planning or ambitious planning of shared dreams and goals. As with all relationships, there are bumps along the way but they’re not enough to quickly extinguish this limerence path. After some time, the relationship experiences the stages of relationship formation including navigating power struggles, cooperation and renewed commitment, and then the bliss stage. By then the heightened period of limerence has faded and the relationship embarks on a more stable and matured love journey.
In the second scenario, limerence has flourished however there’s a rejection. Depending on the individual’s resilience, and access to resources and emotional supports, the feelings of limerence eventually fades. When ready, the individual once again dips their toe to finding a romantic and/or sexual connection.
In the last scenario, there’s uncertainty of mutual feelings. Depending on the individual, the stress of not knowing interferes in different aspects of their life. It’s more difficult to focus and stay present. There’s a battle in the mind and heart. In some cases, if this obsession enters into the extreme end, the outcome can include impulsive and compulsive behaviour including searching the individual’s social media, reaching out to people they know, and attempting to passively contact them through subliminal Facebook messages. Sleep and appetite are disrupted and healthy lifestyle choices goes by the waste side. Then there’s the guilt and shame that follows behaviours typically outside of the person’s personality.
In this case, self-reflection is important especially to understand what unmet needs are being fulfilled by the person, the dynamic, or the relationship as a whole. These unmet needs often derive from deep wounds that have been triggered from the unconscious and brought to the surface. Slowing your own pace, listening to what your body and spirit needs, and a bit of tender love and care are often what I encourage. Therapy can be incredibly helpful so that an objective compassionate professional can help with better understanding the root causes of the reactions.
In the early glimmer stages of relationships, we can lose our footing – look at that shiny ball! I want play with that shiny ball! It’s fun to play with the ball! Hey, this isn’t a bad thing. We’re human and crave and desire connection. Relationships are clumsy. Sex is clumsy too. And I encourage you to be mindful and present within your own experience while in limerence so that you’re aware of your internal needs and don’t lose sight of the most important emotional, romantic and erotic relationship; that being the relationship with yourself.
